We’ve all had run-ins with people who seem a little too good to be true, whose attitude strikes you as off in some way, who reek of “le Parfum D’isingenuous” under the “Eau de Everything’s Rainbows”. This isn’t something confined to the larger *woo* community, but chances are, you’ll encounter it far more often in this environment and could name a few culprits right now, without even having to think about it (no? it’s just bitter, cynical, jaded little me?…)
I came to realize, through my experience with over two thousand abusers, that the abusive man wants to be a mystery. To get away with his behavior and to avoid having to face his problem, he needs to convince everyone around him—and himself— that his behavior makes no sense. He needs his partner to focus on everything except the real causes of his behavior.
To see the abuser as he really is, it is necessary to strip away layer after layer of confusion, mixed messages, and deception. Like anyone with a serious problem, abusers work hard to keep their true selves hidden.
Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?“
Certainly, this disguise could be worn for many reasons – a self-hack to focus on the positive, a way to hide what they’ve been made to feel is wrong with themselves, an avoidance tactic – but for some, it is a manipulation technique that is the hallmark of an emotional abuser. These are the professional victims, the psychic vampires, who prey on those in need. You might think you’re smart enough to never fall for their lure, but by the time they’ve sucked you in, you’re already blinded to what’s going on and getting out is very, very difficult.
DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing…display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D.
I’m not a professional headologist, just someone who’s been there, and it makes me angry and sad to see it happening to others. So if something smells rotten in the State of Denmark, it’s time to track it down! This spread doesn’t only work at identifying the Big Bads – it’s just as good at sniffing out milder offences, even the shit we feed ourselves (see my reading below.) I apologise in advance for allowing my inner 4-year-old run rampant with this one.
What’s That Smell?? Spread
Readings with this spread (from my Instagram feed):
WHAT’S THAT SMELL? #tarotspread for when you suspect someone is full of it. the results speak for themselves :
how full of shit are they? #5ofswords – pretty GD full. they love to drop a deuce on the unsuspecting. and then blame it on you.
what’s their favourite place to shit? #7ofswords – in someone else’s privy (can’t go stinking up their own space now!) wanna know who laid that upper decker? here’s your culprit.
what does their shit smell like? #knightofcups – aaaah, the sweet, sweet stench of chivalrous charm, with base notes of moodiness and broken dreams.
how do they try to mask the smell? #thehermit – they are but a lowly seeker, trying to light the way for others, so pure that they smell like fresh mountain air (actually hoping that their shit runs downhill fast enough that it doesn’t stick.) #youregonnaneedabiggermatch
best way to air that shit out? #aceofpentacles – the manure they have spread will bear its own fruit in time and no lily-scented air freshener will be strong enough to hide the evidence #hewhosmeltitdealtit
how full of shit am i? #6ofcups – enough to get quite the nice little garden going! (actually this reminds me of the “recipes” my brother and i would cook up in the back yard when we were kids. yeeeeeah, there was dog poop involved )
what’s my favourite place to shit? #pageofwands – oh, something fresh and exciting and creatively promising? /nope/ *ptttttthpppp*
what does my shit smell like? #kingofswords – LOL it smells totally legit #giftofthegab but then it sneaks up behind and cuts right through you #silentbutviolent
how do i try to mask the smell? #pageofpentacles – UGH COURTS WHYYY? maybe this new shiny thing will distract from the stink of failure and disappointment?
best way to air my shit out? #kingofcups – (gaaahdd srsly?? ) GROW UP. a good splash of emotional maturity and stability will blow the stink off #seabreeze jokes aside, this is an interesting reading : paired pages, paired cups, all the GD courts. i think this all comes back to being deeply personal ie. given a choice, i’ll shit on myself #helpme
- Predators in the pagan, spirit worker, and magic communities
- Abusive Feminist Bros
- Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (legal PDF share)