Had a few minutes to kill, and none of my creative urges were panning out, so I figured I might as well do a reading with the Nooope Spread I created. I’ll admit – I was a little afraid of what my results might be (no one likes to be told “no”, especially when it might be to something they really, really want), but I didn’t expect to cry (in a good way), or have it relate directly back to something I was struggling with a few days ago.
The Japaridze was closest, so that’s who got to be the bearer of dubious news.
N : the thing that’s not gunna happen, no matter how much you want it to
Eight of Fire
I’m never going to be fast. I’m never going to be able to keep up with myself. I’m never going to be able to contain the deep, explosive well of inspiration within me. Action is not my natural modality.
O : the reasons WHYYY
King of Winds
Because you can either think, or do, and I’m a thinker. And no matter how quick of a thinker I am, I am still very logical and methodical – overly so, actually, to the point where often the thinking about a thing is all I really want to accomplish anyway. It’s just some misplaced sense of having to be physically productive that causes me the angst over not having anything to show for all the internal work I’ve done.
O : it’s NOT.
Four of Tides
The perfect stillness and complete inaction of this card is in stark contrast to the 8W. “Still waters run deep”. Basically reinforces how all my action and productivity occurs below the surface. And also perhaps an emotional detachment – like, I struggle to make use of the 8W energy within me, because there’s very little I care about enough to bring it to the surface. It’s the ideas and possobilities that I’m in love with.
O : going to HAPPEN
Stranger of Winds (Knight)
Gee, I don’t know, these cards are so unclear… :| This image is very strange, the figure appearing to be pieced together from all sorts of bits that don’t quite gel. It reminds me of the sand worm from Beetlejuice!
Trying to get all those mismatched pieces to conform to a stable structure in reality would be an overwhelming, even impossible, task. My ideas are often too grand for me to execute, due to lack of resources (skills, experience, funding etc.) What I notice is that the figure has opaque whit eyes, and is possibly blind, but there are open eyes on its bat-hat, signifying a “higher vision”.
Ooh! And the snake wrapped around: snakes shed their skin (and this one is even in the process of changing colour) – my ideas are too fluid to pin down, always evolving. There is also no visible head or tail – I don’t even know where my ideas come from or where they’re going! #INTPproblems
P : the consequences if you decide to pursue this thing, regardless
Five of Tides
I’ll spend my life in the Cemetery of Lost Ideas, always crying over what might have been, while ignoring the flourishing new life inside me. Despite being a graveyard scene, this card is bursting with fresh green life and flooded with sunshine, showing that I need to recognise that’s what’s dead and gone is fertilizer for fresh potential. I’ll readily admit that the 4C and 5C are big influences in my creative unhappiness.
E : an alternative thing to consider, before you get yourself in any deeper trouble than you already are
XII The Drowned (Hanged Man)
Not just change perspective, but immerse yourself, as this HM is under water. Surrender to the deluge of consciousness, rather than trying to outrun it, or cap it in some way. I’m very interested in how the imagery of the 4C card ties in with the 5C and HM: there’s a man and a woman in blue sitting back to back, then we see the woman in blue in the cemetery, and the man is “drowning”. It almost feels like an anima/animus situation (-us in my case). Haven’t quite untangled the meaning of this yet…
Remember how I said in the spread post that “joke” spreads often deliver the harshest truths? This is what I’m talking about. When I turned the KS and then the 4C and KgtS is when I spontaneously gasped and my eyes welled up. The issue I’d been dealing with a few nights before, was my frustration with how slow I am; with how I’m capable of thinking and understanding and forming networks of ideas in a heartbeat, but am physically so goddamn tardy that it causes me unending embarrassment and frustration.
Do you know one of my earliest, most intense memories of being ashamed and feeling unworthy was when I came dead last in a race, in kindergarden. It didn’t get any better from there. All of my childhood report cards praised me for my fine motor coordination, but I basically failed PE. Not a biggie, right? But sporty kids were rewarded for their achievements, while I was failed. It didn’t matter that I was a straight-A(+) student – that was just expected. If you couldn’t compete physically, you were made to feel like a useless member of society.
Now, after various injuries and having to live with a melting-pot of ailments, I’m even less physically (and mentally) able. But invisibly so, so it’s till not an acceptable excuse when I can’t keep up or do what’s expected. UGH. So many steamer trunks of baggage to be unpacked! Looks like my next run of diving deep is beginning…