Tarot Matchmaking

The Lovers - Tarot Erotica

VI The Lovers – Tarot Erotica by Lori Walls

Inspired by the Matchmaker tarot writing prompt at Cat ‘n Owl, I decided to play Cupid with two of my decks: the original bad boy of tarot, Thoth, and the sassy little minx, Vanessa!

Why this unusual – and quite likely blasphemous – pairing? Well, they travelled here together and there has been speculation that there might have been some serious flirting going on while they made their trip across the North American continent. They both seemed a little *smug* on their arrival, if you know what I mean.

But was it a one-time thing, or is there hope for a lasting relationship between these two? I sent the Erotica to play game show hostess to find out more about these two love birds…

DISCLAIMER: The Tarot Erotica by Lori Walls contains images of a graphic sexual nature, including male and female full frontal nudity and sexual intercourse. It is recommended for adults only. Examples of the cards are included in this reading. Please be aware of this if you are a minor or are offended by such material, or if viewing such images is illegal in your country

Welcome, everybody, and thank you for joining us here at “2 Cups of Love” on this very special day for sweethearts! Tonight, we have two fine contestants ready to lay it all on the line for lurrrrrve. It’s going to be sexy, it’s going to be saucy and it’s definitely going to be steeeeeamy. So buckle up – and maybe get your raincoats on – ‘cos here we go!

[1] Alright, you crazy kids, we’ll start off nice and slow: how would you describe yourself to your potential date? (King of Swords)

Thoth – Prince of Cups:  I’m the perfect combination of air and water, sweet mamacita; intelligent and in touch with my emotions for days. I’m passionate, with an artist’s soul and very open-minded – if you know what I mean ;) I’ve been called ruthless and selfish, but how else am I supposed to pursue perfection?

Vanessa – Page of Swords:  I’m a girl with an adventurous spirit who likes to conquer with her mind. I’m very perceptive and I can’t stomach a liar. My friends say I’m bold and courageous and maybe a little intimidating, but I don’t see what’s wrong with being assertive about what I expect in a relationship.

[2] Ow! Fierce and feisty! Now what is your must-have characteristic in a partner? (3 of Stars)

Thoth – Knight of Cups:  I need someone who can keep up with me and match my raging fire. They must appreciate the finer things in life, like art, poetry, music and the epic pursuit of beauty. I’m not scared of a little unpredictability either – psycho chicks are hott!

Vanessa – 7 of Coins:  I appreciate a man who’s a hard worker; who puts in the effort and understands that patience brings rewards. Don’t expect to get all up in this good stuff on the first date, neither. You’ve got to prove you’re ready for this jelly!

[3] Okay, okay. But on the other hand, what is your biggest turn-off? (4 of Cups)

Thoth – Ace of Cups:  Chicks who can’t control their emotions, man. You know, those clingy types? And don’t even talk to me if you’re not on birth control. Thoth is not your baby daddy!

Vanessa – Page of Cups:  Ugh, immature dreamers with no follow-through. Don’t get me wrong, I like a little romance as much as the next girl, but I’m going places and I need a man, not a child.

[4] I think I know your answers to this next one already, but I gotta ask: are you looking for a soul mate, or just a hook-up? (4 of Rods)

Thoth – The Tower:  All you need to know is that I will rock your world, baby girl! Can you handle the new Truth? There’s no place for old fashioned ideas here. You’d best hold on, ‘cos this shit is gonna get torn. up.

Vanessa – King of Wands:  I don’t like to play games. I’m a self-made, independent woman, but it can get lonely at the top. While it might sound cliche, I’d like to get married one day. For now? Let’s just see what happens.

[5] Ooh, the lady is a tease! So, describe your perfect date then. (7 of Cups)

Thoth – 6 of Swords (Science):  She blinded me… with science ha ha ha! A meeting of minds, lively debate about controversial topics, researching new ways to achieve perfect harmony and maybe a little of that new Truth we were talking about…

Vanessa – Ace of Wands:  Something new, something creative! Maybe some sort of challenging activity that requires strength and energy, like rock climbing. And a little “virility” never hurt either ;)

[6] I think I sense a little chemistry here, folks! But we all know how life can get in the way of amour. How important is money to a successful relationship? (Ace of Stars)

Thoth – The Star:  Gotta have it. No money, no hope.

Vanessa – The Devil:  Money can buy you all the toys and pretty things you could ever want, but it can’t buy you love. It creates an imbalance of power – someone’s always going to be tied to the relationship for the wrong reasons.

[7] Hmm, could this mean trouble up ahead? Let’s get a little R-rated and see if we can bring this one back around: how important is sex? (2 of Swords)

Thoth – 4 of Disks (Power):  Honey, sex is the foundation of a stable relationship and you’d best believe I am pro-fi-ci-ent.

Vanessa – 10 of Cups:  It’s important. It brings two people together and creates a special kind of bond. But while fireworks are good, true ecstasy encompasses so much more than a good body-rocking.

[8] Ouch! But let’s come back to that body-rocking – tell us the truth: does size matter? (The Tower)

Thoth – 3 of Cups (Abundance):  You don’t need to worry your pretty little head over mine, sweet cheeks. There’s more than enough Thoth to keep you smiling and fulfilled through the midnight hour.

Vanessa – 4 of Pentacles:  Wellll… it is how you use it, it’s true; and a lady shouldn’t really discuss these things, but if I’m given a choice, I like to have both hands filled!

[9] *Phew* It is getting steamy in here! Tell me, what is your opinion on gender roles? (6 of Stars)

Thoth – 8 of Swords (Interference):  Like I told you before, I’m not into those outmoded ways of thinking; too restrictive. The intellect is the playground where new worlds are created and it is unbounded. Free your mind and the rest will follow… like your underwear!

Vanessa – 4 of Cups:  So boring and frankly, they can be tiring. I don’t have time to worry about some silly little man’s silly little ego being hurt when I order my own drink. Honestly.

[10] Looks like we’ve got ourselves a pair of progressives here! So to finish up: how do you keep things fresh in your relationship? (The Fool)

Thoth – 2 of Disks (Change):  Always keep it moving, stay flexible – uh-huh – maybe throw a little power play into the mix to keep it interesting. It’s all about the  f l o w  and the exchange.

Vanessa – Ace of Coins:  I admit it, I like to spoil my man – and myself – a little! A weekend away at a cozy little country B&B; a new “toy” for us to share; maybe a special dinner at a chic restaurant to debut my new French lingerie. You get the picture.

Woo-hee! Well thank you both for playing! Our team of love experts are going to calculate your compatibility based on the answers you’ve given us here tonight. Before we go, is there anything you’d like to let your love match know?

Thoth – 3 of Disks (Works): You and me and the alchemical wedding makes three, honey-lips. Are you ready to manifest this destiny?

Vanessa – Wheel of Fortune: While I find most of Thoth’s answers obnoxious and immature and his overall attitude to be odious in the extreme, I’m willing to take a chance on the lovable cad. I just can’t resist a man with a little swagger!

Be sure to join us after the break to see what the future holds for these crazy lovebirds!


[toothpaste ads… women eating yoghurt ads… that one with the duck]


And we’re back!

We’ve analyzed your responses and tallied your scores and I’ll admit, we were surprised at the results. There were some rough spots there in the middle, but our experts have concluded that there’s just the right amount of opposing elements between you two to keep things interesting! We’re not saying you should order the wedding invites just yet, but hotels all over this fair city would do well to reinforce their headboards!

That’s all for tonight, folks! Thanks to our loyal viewers for playing along as we match up unlikely candidates for love… and more *eyebrow waggle*. We look forward to seeing you again on:


13 thoughts on “Tarot Matchmaking

    • submerina says:

      Thank you :) It’s a fun way to approach the tarot and understand it from a different viewpoint. Now I’m thinking of other decks I can play matchmaker with!


  1. erishilton says:

    Brilliant, Madam! Bravo!

    “Thoth is not your baby daddy!”… BWAAHAAHAHAHAH! I never thought of Thoth as being a sex-pants deck, but dammit if he isn’t channeling some serious hawtness here!


    • submerina says:

      I was channeling more than my fair share of Erisian glee! Thoth has never hit on you? Wow. Mine came out of the box with a semi! ;) You know the _real_ reason those occultists get into the whole esoteric scene…


  2. submerina says:

    That’s because magick is serious business! SERIOUS!! There are Rules and Regulations and Hierarchies and those choates just breeze on in like they invented it ;D And that is why I will use Thoth for as many frivolous readings as possible muahahahaha!


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