It’s new moon again and that means it’s time to go spelunking! I’m in the mood to encounter my biggest, baddest demon: Fear. Fear. Fear fear fear. It is the cause of all my problems. But what is the cause of it? What isn’t the cause of it. I know it’s there, I know most of it guises, but I’ll be buggered backwards if I can get a grip on its slimy hide. It’s my personal hydra, always growing 3 new heads everytime I think I’ve finally slain the last one. I get a feeling I’ll be needing my big girl panties for this one.
 What is it that I’m truly afraid of: What hidden or visible entity/situation is it that makes me avoid what it is I’d like to do/be?
Oh. My. God.
The Star? Seriously?? But I love The Star…
And maybe this is why. I love my fear deeply.
It is a struggle to understand this card here. I think it represents not so much an entity or situation, but a state of being that I am afraid of encountering or achieving. And then I have to ask, how truly fucked up do I have to be to be afraid of what The Star represents? Hope, healing, spiritual insight, guiding light, peace, harmony, inspiration, generosity. It’s the least negative card in the deck and I’m afraid of it. Awesome.
Is it the loss that comes before (The Tower)? The things that have to be faced, torn down and discarded in order to get tot The Star.
A fear of being “naked”, revealed for all to see as I truly am? And what is that, exactly? The dark or the light, or both? My soft, gooey, fragile centre. My highly spiritual nature in contrast to the sarcastic veil of cynicism I wear.
Am I afraid of giving so much that eventually I’ll be left with nothing?
Or am I simply terrified of achieving the peace and harmony The Star represents? (And a little voice in my head says, “Because you don’t deserve it…”)
The fact that those are the queries that come to mind probably means the answer is in the question. And how about The Star showing up with great frequency in all the readings I’ve done so far? My fear dominates my life…
 Root of my fear: What is the present or past situation that triggers this fear?
Ace of Cups
This one came up a week ago in a spread called Little Superstitions – designed by doormousey – in the position of “belief to disregard”. How terribly apropos.
I see this card and it weeps. It is filled with sorrow and is completely directionless. The water spills everywhere, going nowhere specific. And how much is left in the Cup? How long before it runs dry? Hello! Look above: “Am I afraid of giving so much that eventually I’ll be left with nothing?” And this is a fear I have (l)earned. I have ample proof that it is true. I run empty, time and time again. Inspiration runs dry. I start big, give it all and then… nothing. Again and again. So why bother anymore. Why bother starting if it’s just going to end the same way? Please, no more pain. I would rather suffer the never achieving than the constant failure. Please, no more.
There is also an openness to this card. The Cup gives, without boundaries.
Or fear of judgement.
Oh dear. I’m vibrating just stating that. Yes, this is a learned fear. Learned through experience. The Cup weeps. For its identity. For the waste.
 How do I feed my fear: What thoughts and self-talk am I using to allow my fear to exist?
10 of Pentacles
Okay, break it down: Pentacles are earth, body, health, work. 10… completion.
I have a very well-designed and thoroughly constructed system that allows my fear to exist. It is complete in every way, with no loopholes. My fear is in no danger of being toppled. Awe. Some.
But it is a construct, nevertheless. I made it.
The LWB says the 10 of Pentacles asks “if we allow things to impede rather than enhance our progress”. Well, fancy that. I’m getting a strong feeling of “too much to do” from this card. Whether too many distractions or excuses made to justify the life of the fear, or simply too much to do to overcome the fear ie. make progress. It feels like a lifetime of work is needed to overthrow something that is established to the point of permanence. Yes. It’s going to happen anyway (the Cup will run dry), so why fight the tradition (of failure)?
In this card, the Pentacles are arranged in the shape of the Tree of Life. That alone is telling. My fear literally sustains me and has become the pathway of my life, my existence. How do you separate yourself from your life support system?
A thought just came to me: censored. The Pentacles remind me of the old-skool nudie-mag censoring stars! They cover up what is too “risque” to be seen. What is real and natural. I just keep slapping more stars over everything I can’t face; everything that hurts too much; everything that holds the mirror up. Yes, the arrangement of the Pentacles looks like a hand mirror… As well, gold stars. Rewards. Ugh, this is truly sickening.
 What are my thoughts concerning my fear: How do I view it? Is it a friend and protector that I hold close, or a dark monster that I turn from?
3 of Cups
A friend indeed. But I feel it’s a loaded answer. If it was just “friend”, I think I would have gotten the 2 of Cups. But 3… presents tension, something left unsaid, an elephant in the room, a third wheel. I both cherish my fear and loathe it. Fight it. I feel like this card is making polite conversation with someone you hate, passionately. And what do we hate in others? All those things we hate in ourselves. Bitter poison, choke it down, stalemate – these words come to mind.
Both the root of and my relationship with my fear are emotional. If they were mental, it might be easier to conquer it, but emotional runs deep. It is intertwined, woven into my being. And by the time something reaches “3”, it has an identity and life of its own. But, at the same time, 3 is not without hope. Divinity is inherent in 3. I think there is potential for change here, although it will take a lot of work.
Ha. Just re-read this entry for editing. First paragraph: “It’s my personal hydra, always growing 3 new heads everytime I think I’ve finally slain the last one.” There’s my monster. Unconquerable. Seemingly. And you’ll fight yourself to the death trying to kill it. So, rather an uneasy peace than a battle that can’t be won. Seemingly. I need to find my fire. The fire that will cauterise the wounds and stop the head from growing. Funny that tarot fire is Wands and action, exactly what I lack. Lessons to learn.
 What do I receive from my fear: What is the result of holding onto this fear? How does it occupy my daily life?
This one is a straight-up literal: Judgement.
What do I get out of this? Judgement.
What is the result? Judgement.
How does it occupy my thoughts? Judgement.
I constantly judge myself and I always come up short. How many times in this entry have I mentioned how it makes me sick or judged myself as being messed up for this. ::ding ding ding:: This in turn causes more hopelessness – as I never heed/fulfill my calling – and the cycle keeps feeding itself, endlessly. I feel like if I listen closely enough, I’ll hear the demented cackling of the evil mastermind behind this thing, rubbing her hands in glee, “Yesss, yeeesssss, more, mooooooore!” I feel sick.
Oh man, that is a seriously messed up reading.
And the water that runs vertically through the middle… 3, 2, 1. 1, 2, 3. I can almost put my finger on it, but that would mean fully comprehending what it is and I keep running into the wall. The 10 of Pentacles keeps me trapped in its intricacy. It offers false religion. I need to move into the Judgement card and wake up.
Liliana, who designed the original spread, includes a meditation exercise to help excise the fear. I definitely need to give that a serious go as well. You and me, Fear, we’re far from done.
All images copyright Sylvie Daigneault for Duncan Baird publishing. Used with permission.